Sunday, April 14, 2013

why i'm pessimistic with my life

posted: 10th April 2013 but was deleted for reasons...

Warning:
this post is pretty depressing...
read with caution...

Edit (14/4/13): this post was posted when i was overcome by emotions... it's kinda harsh but as i've mentioned, i'll share my thoughts to those who would take the time to know...

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if you must know why i'm bloody pessimistic about my life....
here is why...
i grew up alone...
no shoulder to lean on
no friend i could count on to support me...


i grew up hearing my parents say that
"don't worry about him, he'll be fine"

i grew up chasing for approval
thinking there was a level that is expected of me...
where there is actually none...

even if it's a lie
it's a lie i choose to believe
that when my parents complained about my siblings
and said that none of their children could give them hope
all i could think of was
"what did i do wrong"
and then i realized...
i did not do anything wrong...
there was no hope in me to begin with...

there is a reason i could not fail...
it is not because i'm good at succeeding
it was because there was nothing expected of me anyways...
with no expectation, comes no failure...

i chased and chased for approval
i put on a mask and pretend to be who they want me to be
but the moment i try to please myself
i'm bombarded with rejection

i'm not responsible like her
i'm not intelligent like him...
so, there is nothing to be expected of me

now you wonder why i'm pessimistic about my life
because i've failed the only person who has expectations of me
i failed myself
for not being able to please those around me

i'm tired
i'm worn
i wish i could just pass on
but i cant
for the moment i do
i'm failing Him too...

i tried to run but reality always catch up to me
and the dreams that i wish for
they're too far from my reach...
and i had to settle with what i can do
and not what i would want to

and to be clear
i'm not blaming anyone
when i'm angry
i'm only angry with myself
for failing others
or hurting others...
i'm not angry with the world
i'm only angry with myself
and i would blame myself every time..

you always think that i'm angry at you when you point out my faults...
truth is, i am angry
but not at you
i'm angry with myself

but don't you worry
for those who now know the truth
i will continue to live on
with a mask on my face
i'll continue to show you my carefree nature
and leave my thoughts for my time alone...

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