Thursday, October 18, 2012

To Stand or To Fall

i was listening to Chris Tomlin's Lord I Need You in the car a while ago and one line from the bridge just hits me...
(there's a line that hits me first, but the one i'm about to share hits harder)
it's the line
"When I cannot stand I fall on You"

all of a sudden, i got a feeling like as though God said
"Stop struggling, trying so hard to stand. Just fall for I will catch you."
i'll give you a moment to let it sink....

you know, many times, i "call" on God to help me out
to lend me His strength
but at the back of my mind, i may be going at it all by myself...
in a way, i think God's like saying,
"Hey, man. Time to give up and let Me take over."
there are many things in my life, past and present
where i rather suffer alone (as much as i wish and pray and hope someone would come along to help me out)
so, i've been relying on myself a lot...
trying to fly solo cos there's no one who could fly with me...
but what i really need is to fall actually...
to give up my own strength
to let God catch me...
to trust that He WILL catch me...
cos, He promised me this...

just so you know,
falling is not easy...
falling means to completely let go and fall...
you can either be saved or get injured...
there's no in between...
so, if you think it's so easy to fall, think again...
if you want to fall on God, it will mean you need to trust Him COMPLETELY...
if He says, turn left, turn left and not question why or what's ahead...

am I ready for it?
to be blatantly honest, i don't know...
rather, i don't and can't but i know i need to...
and in time, i will....
it's time and i have to choose...


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Maybe it's time...

remember when i said it's not too bad being alone?
well, i think it's about time i learn to be independent...
you see, maybe it's time i learn to fly solo...
i've been depending on the people around me for companionship...
always asking if they wanna go out with me...
yes, i know it can be annoying...
i can be annoying...
so, for all those around me, sorry for being a baggage...

 you see, the signs were there all along...
it's not that i don't see them,
i just chose to ignore them...
people saying they're busy...
people ditching me last minute....
maybe because i'm afraid of being alone...
so, i'll try to fly solo and i guess i'll stop trying to go out of my way to please people...

and urm, if you're actually annoyed by me,
please do tell me so i can stay away from you...

 

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Alone.... doesn't sound bad actually...

so here's the deal...
being me, i crave for company...
so, i guess in order to get that, i'm nice to almost everyone i want to have company with...
unfortunately, not everyone wants my company...
but they won't tell me...
they'll just keep on using me till i'm sucked dry...
which leaves me unappreciated, used and abused... (or i feel that way)

so, i do think that being alone is not such a bad thing...
at least it's better than being used and abused...

sometimes, i feel like people whom i put in my inner circle are and were the wrong people...
i do feel like they don't even actually give two hoots about me...
i wonder why i try so hard to try to win their affection....

i guess, i'd rather be alone than used and abused after all...

on another note, not too far differing...
have you ever wonder if the person who builds their walls are actually longing for someone to actually, genuinely take their time to break through it...
let me let you see it this way...
building a wall is not to shut people out...
it's to open a window for the right people to come in and repel the wrong ones...

sometimes, i just wish i'm not that nice...

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Live

it's been way long peeps...
miss me? (who am i kidding? this place is as empty as my cookie jar....)

the other day, my friends and i were playing with henna tattoos...
and i though of writing the word Live on my wrist...
(but we didn't come to that cos the one we have has a blunt tip... too thick to write with)
but why Live?

I choose Live because it represents life...

To live in the moment
To cherish life
To live and not give up
To not just die
To simply... LIVE
For being aLIVE is a gift that we sometimes take for granted

and many times, i do feel like life is meaningless
cos sometimes, i feel like God is so far away
and this makes me feel dead albeit being alive...
so, to be alive, is also be close to God and that is why i think my new motto in life is
LIVE... (pronounced 'leave' not 'laiv')

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Scene Script #1

I always have ideas for short scenes but i don't really know how to develop it till the end... so, i'll be starting a new series and calling it, Scene Script where i'll post short scenes that could be interesting in a short story... so, feel free to incorporate or use my scenes if you want to, just you know, credit them... so, here goes SS #1
 -----------------------------------------------

 I unlock the door of my apartment, tired after a long day at work. Wait, tired would be an understatement. It was more like exhausted. I took my shower and was heading to bed when my cellphone rang. Seeing the caller id, I know I have to take this no matter how tired I was.

"Yea, baby?" I said as I answered the phone.
"Babe...*sob sob... I had a bad day at work." she said over at the other end.
To be honest, I had already have a heavy load today and i would just love to snuggle into bed and sleep but out of nowhere, I asked, "You want me to come over?"
"Babe, you just came back from work, you're tired. I shouldn't have called." she answered.
"It's okay. I insist." I replied.
"*sniffles... Okay." she said as she hangs up the cellphone.

For a moment, I regretted offering but then again, she's the most important person in my life right now since my parents are halfway around the world. I pack up my toiletries and a set of work clothes for tomorrow and drove over. To be honest, I think I might have fell asleep a little while driving.

*Ding Dong
I rang the doorbell as she came to the door and answered. Mustering all the energy I have left, I gave a smile as I see her wiping her tears on her giant puppy plushie I got her last Christmas. I held out a bag of potato chips and I brought her to the couch.

Holding her, I asked if she would want to talk about it. She shook her head gently. I held her tightly and comforted her, rubbing her back.
"Let's watch a movie then." I suggested.
She just nodded.

Cuddling on the couch, we watched 13 going on 30, her favorite movie. Moments later, I felt her head resting on my shoulders as she fell soundly asleep. I then, carried her to her room and tuck her in. Walking back out, I decided to catch some shut eyes on the couch. But before that, I set my alarm so I could wake up the next morning.

My alarm rang and woke my up. Went into the bathroom, took my shower and brushed my teeth. Seeing that her room door is still shut, i assume she's still asleep. With time to spare, I decided to make her a nice breakfast and clean the kitchen up a little. I set her breakfast neatly on the table before I leave for work with a note saying,

"Baby,
      Made you breakfast. I'm off to work. I'll call you tonight. Love you."

 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

update? not really

hello people.... i'm back (kinda) after what seems like forever and i'm about to bring to you a new era of domination.... WHUT?! LOL.... just kidding... miss me? course not...... (sob sob... you don't care... no one cares...) i'm gonna go now.... wish me.... errr....... whatever... just wanna say hi... random.... bye....

Monday, April 9, 2012

Charlie and Me Part 3

hey guys, i know it's been some time and i did want to write last week... to make it up to you guys, here's double of how much i usually write... so, Charlie and Me Part 3, here we go.... introducing, Chuck
-;-;-;-;-;-;-;
Charlie and Me Part 3

It’s been three years now ever since I last saw Charlie. I graduated from NYU in film making, got my own place in Brooklyn and got a job in an office. Yea, every aspiring film makers dream to get a degree and work a 9 to 5. The days passed by pretty routinely. Wake up, get to work, take a walk around the park, get home, and watch some television and sleep. I was getting bored and not to mention lonely. Every once in a while, I would think if Charlie, if I could see her again and if she could even remember me. I wonder, how did this stranger made such an impact in my life. I hardly know her.

As I walked home from work one day, on a Friday evening actually when I decided to take a walk along Central Park. It was there that I’ll meet Chuck. There was this adoption booth being put up by some animal shelter. I was getting tired of coming home to an empty house every day and decided to take a look. The volunteer there, Penny I think her name is, greeted me with a happy smile. She showed me some of the dogs. As I was looking at these bubbly Pomeranians, I couldn’t help but notice a pair of eyes staring at me. I turned around and look and saw what I could only describe as a pup fit for me. Quiet and charming at the same time, with a beautiful caramel coat and dark brown eyes that seems to pierce through your soul. As I walked closer, the beautiful pup lied flat on the floor, his eyes gazing at me up and down. I bended my knees and looked at him. His eyes followed mine and gave a soft woof. A charming Border Terrier he is, not too big for me and not too small to threaten my masculinity. I reached out my hand to him and immediately, he sprung up on all fours, tail wagging and tongue waving at me. I scratched his head and by his closed eyes and a decent smile on his face shows me we are becoming fast friends. I waved to Penny and pointed at the Border Terrier mouthing “He is the one”

Penny came and asked me again, pointing at the Border Terrier. I nodded. She was about to pick him up when I asked if I could do it instead. Happily, Penny allowed me to pick him up.

“Hi there, Chuck.” I whispered as I believe that will be his name from now on.

Chuck licked my face in glee and a soft bark lets me know he’s comfortable with me. I followed Penny to the counter to finish up some procedures. I got to know that he is just in time for his vaccinations and wondered if I could do it myself instead. I just nodded, not thinking of the costs as I finally have someone or rather something to keep me company and no longer come home to an empty house.

Chuck and I went home and I could see that he is happy as he ran around the house, barking away, his tail wagging high in the air. I shook my head and gave a small chuckle. He was about to pee on the couch when I quickly grabbed him and ran to the bathroom. I think since then, after a few tries, Chuck learned that the place to dispose his waste would be the bathroom. I cleaned him up soon and turned on the tap for a bath. I left the water running as I went to my room to undress. Chuck followed me around like as though we grew up together. I didn’t mind it at all. In fact, I love the new company I have. I walked back into the bathroom, towel around my waist and slip into the bathtub. Chuck looked at me with his curious look. Slowly, I came out of the tub and grabbed him. I allowed his feet to touch the warm water and he doesn’t seem to flinch at all. Maybe this dog loves getting wet. I slipped into the bath tub again and took my bath with Chuck, happily making noises in the tub. It felt like the world belong to us now. I scrubbed him with the shampoo that I bought from the counter Penny was at and I have to admit, it smelt really good. Apple mint filled the bathroom as I felt like as though I want to wash myself with that too.

Soon after, I let Chuck dry off and allow him to run around the house as I took a shower. I could not be bothered enough to drain off the water and refill the tub. After my shower, we went to watch some television as Chuck jumped up on the couch towards me. I could see that he’s yawning away and decided to call it a day. I picked Chuck up and headed towards my room where we dose off.

The very next morning, I was woken up by wet tongues on my cheeks. I opened my eyes to see Chuck on top of me, looking at me as I rubbed my eyes. He barked at me playfully and begins to jump on me. I grabbed him and smiled.

“I’m up Chuck. I’m up,” I said as I put him down.

I poured some dog biscuits into his bowl before pouring some cereal into mine. I looked at him as he gobbled up his food. I couldn't help but just to shake my head and smile. I took my shower soon after as I do not have to go to work that day. I took the leash and hooked it onto Chuck’s collar. By the struggles he gave, I knew he doesn't really enjoy it but I can’t allow him to roam freely without me on the streets. After I finally got the leash hooked, Chuck was less fidgety. We walked towards the vets for him to get his vaccinations. We registered and was waiting for our turn to see the vet.

I could see the waiting room was quite empty except for us and a few pet owners, one with a small Chihuahua and another with a Siamese Cat. Not long after, a nurse came up to us. “Dr. Willows will see you now, Mr. Lee,” she said.

We walked into an office labeled Dr. Willows. The room was filled with pictures of puppies but one dominates them all as most of the walls were filled with the picture of a nice white Maltese pup. As i let my eyes wander across the room, I saw the back of the doctor, a lady with her hair in a bun and wearing a clean white lab coat. “Welcome, Mr. Lee,” she said as she turned around.

“What can I help….” She said but paused halfway.

“Charlie?” I said.

“Sky.” She replied as she pointed towards me.

“How have you been? What brings you here? Here, sit.” She asked as she invited me to sit on a chair in the room.

“Thanks. I've been good. This fella here, he needs his vaccinations. How have you been?” I replied as I pointed at Chuck.

Charlie looked up into the horizon and replied with a simple, “I don’t know. There are ups and downs,” as walks over, puts Chuck on the examination table and checks up on him. We chatted as Charlie carried out the vaccinations. Chuck was ever so brave for not even whimpering but I guess I was too busy talking to Charlie to even notice if he did. Chuck had to stay the night so they could monitor him if there are any allergic reactions to the medications they gave him. I assured Chuck that he’ll be okay as I left the room. Apparently, I was the last client for the day for Charlie as she worked the night shift last night. In a way, I felt lucky that I came on time.

I asked Charlie if she would like to go for a drink, some brunch before heading back home which she delightfully agreed to. We had a nice brunch that morning in some diner where they allow pets. I had coffee while Charlie has some croissant and coffee as well. I got to know that Charlie graduated from med school last year and is currently a veterinarian specializing with dogs and the Maltese pictures in her room were Lady, her Maltese back home. We chatted for a long time and this time, I got to ask her for her number as we exchanged numbers. I walked her back home as her house is about 3 blocks away with Chuck tagging along in my arms. We waved goodbye as she entered her house and promised to catch up some time.

I walked home alone, to an empty house again after a night with Chuck. I jumped to my couch, happy to finally see Charlie again. Though, now that I think of it, I do feel a little guilty for not thinking of Chuck more that day. Looking around the room, I feel like it needs some cleaning up and tidied up the house, spending the rest of my day to do so just to keep my mind off Charlie and Chuck.

 

Friday, March 30, 2012

it's the weekends.....
another part of Charlie and Me anyone?
any takers????
no?
*sob sob

 i'll do it anyways!!!
*evil laugh....
 in the mean time, i give you, Matthew Lewis

 

 random?
not really...
it's just cos he's in a new 5 part series called The Syndicate on BBC1 and he's kinda my favorite young wizard...
kbye

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I will live

you know, while running today, i kinda thank God that my friends didnt show up...
it meant i could plug in my ipod and run alone instead...
while running, the song Till I See You came to play...
what struck me the most are the words "I will live"..
and it dawned upon me....
why do i live a dull life everyday...
what is the point...
what is the purpose....

recently, or through the course of time, suicide attempts were around me...
even i had those negative thoughts....
and it came to me...
who are we to take our lives?
we have no right because it was given to us...
only God can take our lives...
and if we live aimlessly, know that we are made for a purpose...
to praise God...
to worship Him...
to love Him...
He is God of all
He is worthy of ALL (i mean ALL) our praise...

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Part 2 is up.... still a long way... yay?

Charlie and Me - part 2

It felt as though time stopped but we soon snapped out of it and I helped her up. Embarrassed, she gave a small chuckled as she shook her head and covered her face. I laughed as I looked at her. Slowly, I grabbed her wrist and slowly pulled down her hand. I gave an assuring smile at her.

“Sky.” I said as I pointed to myself.

“Can I buy you a drink? It’s the least I could do.” I continued.
She nodded with a sweet smile. We walked to a nearby Starbucks and she had a Green Tea Frap whereas I had a Java Chip Frap. We parted ways after we got our drinks. Her name was Charlie and that was all I got to know. No number, no e-mail, no way of contacting her in the future. But that girl, Charlie, took my breath away. I wonder when I will ever see her again. I gave a long sigh as I walked back. I wondered what I was supposed to do for the day for a moment and realized I was supposed to meet a friend in Central Park. Looking at my watch, I realized I had to be there in less than 10 minutes. Hurriedly, I ran towards Central Park, with my Java Chip Frap in hand.

There she was, under the tree, looking at her cellphone, a worried look plastered on her face. That was Katie, the friend I was supposed to meet. We go way back. You see, Katie was a friend of mine. She used to live down the block and now, she stays a few doors away in college. Dark curls with chocolate brown skin, wide eyes, a brown beauty. I ran towards her, panting. She turned towards me when I was running towards her wording the words “Sorry”. She has that look on her face again, the kind of face that I know too well which meant I’m in for another round of lecture. I finally reached her.

“I could explain” I said.

“You better come up with an exceptionally good reason to be late again, Schuyler Abernathy Lee!” she said, using my full name which I know too well meant she was not happy.

“But for now, we have to go. Hurry!” she said in a hurried tone.

“Okay, Katherine Helena Rosewood.” I said, mocking her.

She gave me a stare which clearly defines “We’ll settle this later.”
We ran towards the center of the park, where we’re holding a surprise birthday party for our friend, Ted. It was his 21st birthday and we wanted to make it special. You see, Ted is a jock. He runs around the park every single day, even that day on his birthday. Our plan was to throw him a surprise party as he ran to us in the park. As we reached the center, we were just in time as we saw Indie, waving frantically at us to hurry up as she saw Ted not too far away. Katie and I picked up our pace and got there just in time.

The party went on from the park to the club where we had a little drink before calling it a day. After the party, Katie dropped by my room. Could she have remembered my wrongs for the day? Could she have remembered that I have some explaining to do?

“Now, talk.” Katie said.

So she did remember. In a way, I was nervous to tell her but I think it’ll be good to tell a friend. I told her about Charlie. I think my cheeks grew red a few times as I spoke of her, as I remember how she looked like, her dress, her smile, her hair. Katie laughed at me a few times but I know that she was genuinely happy for me. She gave me a hug and she left for her room. That night, I smiled my way to bed. As I closed my eyes, I could only think of her, of Charlie, the girl who will soon be my everything.

Every day, for almost a week I went to the same newsstand where I first saw Charlie in hopes of bumping into her again but to no avail. Maybe my time this time is not right. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship yet. Maybe God is sending me a sign that I may never see Charlie again. Days gone by and months pass, but no Charlie, no girl with the orchid scented hair. I gave up searching for her as the new semester is beginning and I will not have time to be idling at the newsstand. Autumn is coming, leaves are falling and classes are starting.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Writing. Again?

woke up with an inspiration after my afternoon nap and i jumped at the fact of new ideas...
my fingers went straight to my computer, my keyboards actually and started working...
could my inspiration come from a dream? but i don't remember dreaming...
or could my character, be inspired by the busy streets of 5th Avenue New York, the coming summer here and Katniss Everdeen, a character in the Hunger Games that i've read recently...
without further ado, i shall put up my first two paragraphs and hunt for comments, which i doubt i could get from any of you since no one reads my blogs anyways...

:-:-:-:-

Title: Charlie and Me

She walked down the street in a flowy white summer dress and beautiful Bohemian braids when she caught my eyes, and more, my heart. That was the first time her fragrance of orchids fill my nostrils as she walked past me. Her glowing olive skin and piercing green eyes looked past me as she gave me a little smile, a smile of an angel. Taken aback by her beauty, I could do nothing but smile back, an awkward smile actually. She burst out laughing as she walked past me. And I couldn’t help laughing at myself despite my embarrassment. I covered my face with my palms to hide my cheeks, both turning red in this crimson sun. Were they turning red because it’s hot out here in the summer heat, or was it because I was flushed in embarrassment?

It wasn’t till I heard a thud. I lifted my face to see, the girl, the very same girl with the flowy summer dress and romantically Bohemian braided hair on the floor. She must’ve tripped on the cracks along the sidewalk and fell. That’s when I saw that she wore these beautiful chunky wedges with beautifully designed straps that could match the famous Jimmy Choo. With a small gasp, an “Oh!”, I quickly ran towards her. While helping her up, I could not help it but apologize, feeling as though her trip could be my fault for distracting her. That’s when our eyes meet. Hers in a shade of green, deep green, almost jade green I could say, and mine, my not so interesting dark brown eyes. Those eyes, I could remember them till this day. Something struck us there. Could it be that the ever popular myth of love at first sight, the one I’ve brushed aside since my previous lover dumped me for another man, is actually true? Did I tell you about her hair, her romantically braided hair? Up close, I saw her hair. Her hair was wavy, chestnut brown in color, and the feature that struck me the most, the smell of orchids that could not be from anything other than the bottle of Herbal Essence that I’m all so familiar with. Perfection, that’s the only word I could describe her.

-to be continued.....

i couldn't find a more suitable picture, so, this would do

Monday, March 5, 2012

what i did not tell you

i work very subtly, with subtle hints....

you said i didn't try to communicate?
there was a reason why i invite you to come to church with me....
yes, i would like you to meet my friends and family
but other than that, we'll have about half to an hour time alone to talk and pray PER JOURNEY....
and i am most comfortable talking in the car....

you said you like to spend time alone, just the two of us,
when i asked you out to dinner, you asked if i mind your friends tagging along...
being me, of course i'll say i won't....

you wanted me to fight for you might wonder why i didn't even try and just gave up
what was i supposed to say?
even if we sort things out, that feeling will come back again
and i dont want you to be in that kinda dilemma all over again...

there was a reason why i did not ever hold you or touch you
i told myself that i wouldn't until i get your parent's full blessing
and also meet them

now, it's my turn,
may i know the real reason why
when you said it's not my fault, is it really not my fault or are you just saying it?
was i trying too hard that you are pressured?
was i going too fast?
or too slow?
was i too nice or too weak that i wouldn't take charge?
or is it because i'm not well to do, not good looking, and not talented....
or was it because i'm too complicated, too broken...
or did you feel like i ignore you a lot...
did you know that many nights, i would love to just go to sleep but waited for you instead...
did you know that i wanted to celebrate the end of the semester with my friends but spent it with yours instead?
what was it????

you know what, you said if it's meant to be then it'll be...
but i dont think i wanna hang on to whatever glimpse of hope that there might be to go back to how it used to...
i dont think i wanna be your safety net...
i'll be moving on...
but until or unless you start seeing someone else, i wont be seeing anyone...
but then again, i might not be able to hold on to that if someone comes along...

on an ending note

“I think that if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, we’ll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time and I’ll be thankful for that. and I hope that wherever you are, you’ll be thankful, too. and I think that’s the best we can wish for.”

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

what does it feel like to drift

too many thoughts are running through my head...
but one thing i keep on feeling is this emptiness inside...
like when all the hype is gone...
i feel numb...
i miss Him but i can't sincerely feel it...
what is wrong with me????
i feel so numb when i tried to speak to Him...
no words could come out...
i could lie myself with my words, telling Him how much i this and that but i don't know why i can't tell Him the truth...
i miss Him..
i miss His voice...
i miss His assurance...
i know He knows, but i cant get it past myself to believe it...
it's knowing with my head vs knowing with my heart all over again....
why? why has it been this way?
why did i let myself fall again...
i no longer feel the victorious feeling i had after the camp...
cos i let myself fall...
it doesn't feel nice, not at all trying to run away from God...
it feels empty...
i feel a longing to return, but it's like confessing to your father you've wronged him...
you know he's there to forgive but you cant get past your own unforgiveness...towards yourself...

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Will you let Him make you His bride?

these few days, i've been listening to Tenth Avenue North...
when i listened to Beloved, i just heard it and did not listen...
and when i finally listened to it, it struck me hard...
and also, to watch and know the meaning behind the song is.....
i can't explain it...
i'll attach the song, lyrics and behind the song clip and maybe you could make your own conclusion/opinion on it...





Beloved by Tenth Avenue North


Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
Give Me your life
The lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from Me (yeah)

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery

Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the Giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh, come running home to Me (yeah now)

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to Me (yeah now, now)

Well, you've been a mistress, My wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let Me make you My bride
You will drink of My lips
And you'll taste new life

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery


>>>>>>
you know, the bridge actually struck me the most for some reason
every time i listened to the bridge, my heart hurts...
the bridge is this part

Well, you've been a mistress, My wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let Me make you My bride
You will drink of My lips
And you'll taste new life

it has so much deep meaning that i could not grasp at first...
i tried to look at it on the surface level first and when i analyzed it
it meant that like a mistress, we look around and is not loyal but the line that got me most was actually, "Won't you let Me make you My bride"
if i'm the bride, i would be like
"are you really sure? i've chased so many lovers before? are You sure You want me?"
and the part that went
"You will drink of My lips and taste new life"
that part is super intimate...
i mean, would you ever drink for people's lips????
it's only at that level of intimacy that we could drink from His lips and this part, it's not that we're there already but He wants us, He longs to be intimate with us...
an intimate kiss is only shared by two parties who longed for each other

and a thought came to mind as well...
how if or what if, when God calls His bride, He's not just calling His church, He's calling you, personally....yes, you!

God WANTS to be intimate with you.
He LONGS for you...
Will you let Him make you His bride?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

My life story

my life story summed up in this song
look at the blackboard

Tenth Avenue North - You are more

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Loved and Forgiven

okay... i dont usually want to share part of my life that is too personal here but maybe, just maybe, this could actually help save a soul...
God did amazing work in my life in the last youth camp i went and i feel bad if i dont share His awesome-ness...
so, this is what happened and what He told me...
___________

i know what it's like to know with my head but not with my heart...
i know God loves me and people around me do to, but i never really want to believe it or feel it in my heart because of one tiny problem...
i dont love myself...
in fact, i hate myself a lot...
i feel i am pretentious and fake and a hypocrite...
i feel like i put on a mask everyday and when i'm alone, i do what i do...
i feel empty and a fake...
so fake that, my nice persona automatically comes out when i'm with others...
i hate myself so much that i never deemed myself good enough...
never amount to anything...
and i went on to find recognition from others...
i try so hard to be funny, to be good in everything i do and try to silently boast of what i could do just to cover up the insecurity i have in me...
i hated myself so much that i actually enjoy self-loathing and i love to wallow in sorrow...

i didnt expect much from God for this camp but i just let it be....
it was like that until, when Terry (camp speaker) had like an altar call and when he said "you think you're never good enough" i was overwhelmed...
i was like "no, God. no! don't do it" as my heart was overcame by emotions and i know for sure that God is doing the work there and then...
thought run through my head...
Uncle Chu Soon prayed for me...
i was not fighting with God, i was fighting with myself...
for some reason, i cant explain it...
when i finally stopped fighting, i think i heard God said something...
something that got me...
He said "I love you even if you dont love yourself"
and that was that....
i can't fight it anymore...
i broke down...
i know that in my head but i cant with my heart...
i dont know how...
i left it as that....

the next day, something happened during worship...
for some reason, i started feeling overwhelmed and started tearing again...
this time, God said "I love you even if you don't love Me. Do not be compelled to love Me just because I love you but learn to love me with your heart and not your head. Look out there, look to the horizon, I love you so much more than that...."
i was left speechless and i dont know what to do....
like seriously don't know what to do but to accept it without me realizing it...
i held back all this while because i'm afraid to accept love and forgiveness because i fell many times right after (story below) but i just said to God, "i will not look back and i don't care what will happen in the future, but as of now, i will love You and accept Your forgiveness and learn to love You and myself because You are in me and if i could not love myself, i can't love You. it's time to believe what i told my friends to encourage them."

that afternoon, i felt free and i worshiped God freely without holding back...
i thought God had done what he had to that morning but no...
during the altar call, Terry mentioned something about someone having an addiction to a certain lifestyle... that person had been looking for a way out, asking God to pull him out countless times and sometimes, he feels like giving up already... but God will deliver him... he might be a leader, or serving for years....
that person was me...
so, God was not done with me yet i see....
i have or rather, i prefer to put it as had (i wanna believe it's over) an addiction....
an addiction to a past i am not proud of...
an addiction to seemed normal to many...
but i dont feel comfortable sharing it now yet...
i will share when deliverance is fully complete....
and when His work is fully done in me...
Sean prayed for me....
>>>>time skip to after prayer...
after prayer, i just simply asked God that if He wants me to pray for someone, i will... just point and i'll step in faith...
first, God asked me to pray for Alyssa...
i was like God, seriously? she's pastor's daughter... for all i know, she should be praying for me... and am i having this feeling just because i understand her feelings cos it's similar to mine?
i hesitated....
that still small voice kept pushing me...
FINE! i went...
and words keep pouring out...
i didnt know what to pray at first but words keep pouring...
when i hear her sob, i know it's not me speaking but God speaking into her...
when we finished, she gave me a hug...

i though that was all but God pointed me to Marcus...
i didnt know what to pray so i asked God for at least a hint
and the word POTENTIAL came to mind...
we all know that but God wants me to pray for him...
so, i just started praying for him...
and it went from there...
again, i didnt know what to say but God put words into my mind...
after praying, i was amazed...
i kinda forgot that i had issues...
i think God is telling me here that it doesn't matter if i had issues but if i pray sincerely, He can use me...

Monday, January 30, 2012

Holidays

hey there peeps...
waddup?!
*not funny

how's the holidays been going?
1 month break and i'm almost half way through...
it's been kinda boring for me...
day in day out staring at the computer...
refreshing Facebook, Twitter and 9gag all day has been my daily routine...
occasionally, i get to download my shows and watch them but it's like only once a week for each show...
0_o

this is what i looked like these days


this week will be kinda different...
i'll be working from Monday to Friday
will be going to see Wong Fu on Saturday
and Camp will start on Sunday...
this week will be great...

then, it'll be back to faffing for another one and a half week
and i'll be back in college for the next semester...
looking forward to it...
cant stand being useless and lazy...

till then....
ala prochaine

Under the Weather

just had the urge to blog at 1am...
weird....
i know....

these days, i've been a little under the weather...
first, sore throat, then, coughing and flu...
good thing i'm recovering a lil by lil...
my sore throat is almost entirely gone...
coughing is reduced...
nose still gets blocked once in a while...



you know, medicine sucks sometimes...
but i kinda like taking my cough syrup...
BENA EXPECTORENT!!!


brings back memories of when i was in National Service camp...
this baby helps me sleep throughout the night...
you know, in camps, your friends will usually tell you that the camp is haunted and stuff...
and sometimes, you will wake up at odd hours of the night and start imagining stuff thought they're not there (or are they???)
so, i love to get the coughs in camp cos i'll get my BENA EXPECTORENT and can sleep well throughout the night till wake up call....
just to share a lil...
kbye~ (^u^)/

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I'M NOT DEAD!!!! yet....

hey there peeps....
let's do that again...

HEY THERE READERS!!!! or the lack of it...
(trust me, it sounds better on video)

just so you know, i'm still pretty much alive...
in fact, so much more alive than i used to be that i no longer update you guys much...
(much apologies)

so, what to speak about today????
NO IDEA!!!
*insert your own version of the evil laugh here...

So, topic of the day, fo real!
here's the thing...
few weeks ago, anonymous (who is zis anonymous and why ish e eberywhere?) asked me on the site that shall not be named on how to dress up for a guy...
i'm not lying...

roll in screencap...

and my answer was....

dressing up smart for a man is not as simple as it seems actually… first of all, your dressing have to compliment your body size and skin color… get clothes that fit perfectly… don’t get clothes that are too big or too tight… but for the easiest yet most classy and smart looking would be a suit or you can just go with a button-up shirt (depending on situations, but the safest would be a plain white or black shirt), tie (skinny would be preferred for a more classy and fashionable look), blazer and proper jeans with dress shoes (leather or something similar)… sport shoes are too risky for smart style cos if it doesn’t fit too well, it’ll totally ruin your whole look…


i was so excited and overwhelmed that time for someone to ask me that that i might have missed out something...
so, now, i'll expound and explain more...
or rather, i'll show you some pictures of how to dress so it's easier...