Tuesday, February 28, 2012

what does it feel like to drift

too many thoughts are running through my head...
but one thing i keep on feeling is this emptiness inside...
like when all the hype is gone...
i feel numb...
i miss Him but i can't sincerely feel it...
what is wrong with me????
i feel so numb when i tried to speak to Him...
no words could come out...
i could lie myself with my words, telling Him how much i this and that but i don't know why i can't tell Him the truth...
i miss Him..
i miss His voice...
i miss His assurance...
i know He knows, but i cant get it past myself to believe it...
it's knowing with my head vs knowing with my heart all over again....
why? why has it been this way?
why did i let myself fall again...
i no longer feel the victorious feeling i had after the camp...
cos i let myself fall...
it doesn't feel nice, not at all trying to run away from God...
it feels empty...
i feel a longing to return, but it's like confessing to your father you've wronged him...
you know he's there to forgive but you cant get past your own unforgiveness...towards yourself...

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Will you let Him make you His bride?

these few days, i've been listening to Tenth Avenue North...
when i listened to Beloved, i just heard it and did not listen...
and when i finally listened to it, it struck me hard...
and also, to watch and know the meaning behind the song is.....
i can't explain it...
i'll attach the song, lyrics and behind the song clip and maybe you could make your own conclusion/opinion on it...





Beloved by Tenth Avenue North


Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
Give Me your life
The lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from Me (yeah)

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery

Love of My life
Look deep in My eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the Giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh, come running home to Me (yeah now)

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to Me (yeah now, now)

Well, you've been a mistress, My wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let Me make you My bride
You will drink of My lips
And you'll taste new life

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me

You're My beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My Love it unites us
And it binds you to Me
It's a mystery


>>>>>>
you know, the bridge actually struck me the most for some reason
every time i listened to the bridge, my heart hurts...
the bridge is this part

Well, you've been a mistress, My wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let Me make you My bride
You will drink of My lips
And you'll taste new life

it has so much deep meaning that i could not grasp at first...
i tried to look at it on the surface level first and when i analyzed it
it meant that like a mistress, we look around and is not loyal but the line that got me most was actually, "Won't you let Me make you My bride"
if i'm the bride, i would be like
"are you really sure? i've chased so many lovers before? are You sure You want me?"
and the part that went
"You will drink of My lips and taste new life"
that part is super intimate...
i mean, would you ever drink for people's lips????
it's only at that level of intimacy that we could drink from His lips and this part, it's not that we're there already but He wants us, He longs to be intimate with us...
an intimate kiss is only shared by two parties who longed for each other

and a thought came to mind as well...
how if or what if, when God calls His bride, He's not just calling His church, He's calling you, personally....yes, you!

God WANTS to be intimate with you.
He LONGS for you...
Will you let Him make you His bride?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

My life story

my life story summed up in this song
look at the blackboard

Tenth Avenue North - You are more

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Loved and Forgiven

okay... i dont usually want to share part of my life that is too personal here but maybe, just maybe, this could actually help save a soul...
God did amazing work in my life in the last youth camp i went and i feel bad if i dont share His awesome-ness...
so, this is what happened and what He told me...
___________

i know what it's like to know with my head but not with my heart...
i know God loves me and people around me do to, but i never really want to believe it or feel it in my heart because of one tiny problem...
i dont love myself...
in fact, i hate myself a lot...
i feel i am pretentious and fake and a hypocrite...
i feel like i put on a mask everyday and when i'm alone, i do what i do...
i feel empty and a fake...
so fake that, my nice persona automatically comes out when i'm with others...
i hate myself so much that i never deemed myself good enough...
never amount to anything...
and i went on to find recognition from others...
i try so hard to be funny, to be good in everything i do and try to silently boast of what i could do just to cover up the insecurity i have in me...
i hated myself so much that i actually enjoy self-loathing and i love to wallow in sorrow...

i didnt expect much from God for this camp but i just let it be....
it was like that until, when Terry (camp speaker) had like an altar call and when he said "you think you're never good enough" i was overwhelmed...
i was like "no, God. no! don't do it" as my heart was overcame by emotions and i know for sure that God is doing the work there and then...
thought run through my head...
Uncle Chu Soon prayed for me...
i was not fighting with God, i was fighting with myself...
for some reason, i cant explain it...
when i finally stopped fighting, i think i heard God said something...
something that got me...
He said "I love you even if you dont love yourself"
and that was that....
i can't fight it anymore...
i broke down...
i know that in my head but i cant with my heart...
i dont know how...
i left it as that....

the next day, something happened during worship...
for some reason, i started feeling overwhelmed and started tearing again...
this time, God said "I love you even if you don't love Me. Do not be compelled to love Me just because I love you but learn to love me with your heart and not your head. Look out there, look to the horizon, I love you so much more than that...."
i was left speechless and i dont know what to do....
like seriously don't know what to do but to accept it without me realizing it...
i held back all this while because i'm afraid to accept love and forgiveness because i fell many times right after (story below) but i just said to God, "i will not look back and i don't care what will happen in the future, but as of now, i will love You and accept Your forgiveness and learn to love You and myself because You are in me and if i could not love myself, i can't love You. it's time to believe what i told my friends to encourage them."

that afternoon, i felt free and i worshiped God freely without holding back...
i thought God had done what he had to that morning but no...
during the altar call, Terry mentioned something about someone having an addiction to a certain lifestyle... that person had been looking for a way out, asking God to pull him out countless times and sometimes, he feels like giving up already... but God will deliver him... he might be a leader, or serving for years....
that person was me...
so, God was not done with me yet i see....
i have or rather, i prefer to put it as had (i wanna believe it's over) an addiction....
an addiction to a past i am not proud of...
an addiction to seemed normal to many...
but i dont feel comfortable sharing it now yet...
i will share when deliverance is fully complete....
and when His work is fully done in me...
Sean prayed for me....
>>>>time skip to after prayer...
after prayer, i just simply asked God that if He wants me to pray for someone, i will... just point and i'll step in faith...
first, God asked me to pray for Alyssa...
i was like God, seriously? she's pastor's daughter... for all i know, she should be praying for me... and am i having this feeling just because i understand her feelings cos it's similar to mine?
i hesitated....
that still small voice kept pushing me...
FINE! i went...
and words keep pouring out...
i didnt know what to pray at first but words keep pouring...
when i hear her sob, i know it's not me speaking but God speaking into her...
when we finished, she gave me a hug...

i though that was all but God pointed me to Marcus...
i didnt know what to pray so i asked God for at least a hint
and the word POTENTIAL came to mind...
we all know that but God wants me to pray for him...
so, i just started praying for him...
and it went from there...
again, i didnt know what to say but God put words into my mind...
after praying, i was amazed...
i kinda forgot that i had issues...
i think God is telling me here that it doesn't matter if i had issues but if i pray sincerely, He can use me...