Thursday, February 9, 2012

Loved and Forgiven

okay... i dont usually want to share part of my life that is too personal here but maybe, just maybe, this could actually help save a soul...
God did amazing work in my life in the last youth camp i went and i feel bad if i dont share His awesome-ness...
so, this is what happened and what He told me...
___________

i know what it's like to know with my head but not with my heart...
i know God loves me and people around me do to, but i never really want to believe it or feel it in my heart because of one tiny problem...
i dont love myself...
in fact, i hate myself a lot...
i feel i am pretentious and fake and a hypocrite...
i feel like i put on a mask everyday and when i'm alone, i do what i do...
i feel empty and a fake...
so fake that, my nice persona automatically comes out when i'm with others...
i hate myself so much that i never deemed myself good enough...
never amount to anything...
and i went on to find recognition from others...
i try so hard to be funny, to be good in everything i do and try to silently boast of what i could do just to cover up the insecurity i have in me...
i hated myself so much that i actually enjoy self-loathing and i love to wallow in sorrow...

i didnt expect much from God for this camp but i just let it be....
it was like that until, when Terry (camp speaker) had like an altar call and when he said "you think you're never good enough" i was overwhelmed...
i was like "no, God. no! don't do it" as my heart was overcame by emotions and i know for sure that God is doing the work there and then...
thought run through my head...
Uncle Chu Soon prayed for me...
i was not fighting with God, i was fighting with myself...
for some reason, i cant explain it...
when i finally stopped fighting, i think i heard God said something...
something that got me...
He said "I love you even if you dont love yourself"
and that was that....
i can't fight it anymore...
i broke down...
i know that in my head but i cant with my heart...
i dont know how...
i left it as that....

the next day, something happened during worship...
for some reason, i started feeling overwhelmed and started tearing again...
this time, God said "I love you even if you don't love Me. Do not be compelled to love Me just because I love you but learn to love me with your heart and not your head. Look out there, look to the horizon, I love you so much more than that...."
i was left speechless and i dont know what to do....
like seriously don't know what to do but to accept it without me realizing it...
i held back all this while because i'm afraid to accept love and forgiveness because i fell many times right after (story below) but i just said to God, "i will not look back and i don't care what will happen in the future, but as of now, i will love You and accept Your forgiveness and learn to love You and myself because You are in me and if i could not love myself, i can't love You. it's time to believe what i told my friends to encourage them."

that afternoon, i felt free and i worshiped God freely without holding back...
i thought God had done what he had to that morning but no...
during the altar call, Terry mentioned something about someone having an addiction to a certain lifestyle... that person had been looking for a way out, asking God to pull him out countless times and sometimes, he feels like giving up already... but God will deliver him... he might be a leader, or serving for years....
that person was me...
so, God was not done with me yet i see....
i have or rather, i prefer to put it as had (i wanna believe it's over) an addiction....
an addiction to a past i am not proud of...
an addiction to seemed normal to many...
but i dont feel comfortable sharing it now yet...
i will share when deliverance is fully complete....
and when His work is fully done in me...
Sean prayed for me....
>>>>time skip to after prayer...
after prayer, i just simply asked God that if He wants me to pray for someone, i will... just point and i'll step in faith...
first, God asked me to pray for Alyssa...
i was like God, seriously? she's pastor's daughter... for all i know, she should be praying for me... and am i having this feeling just because i understand her feelings cos it's similar to mine?
i hesitated....
that still small voice kept pushing me...
FINE! i went...
and words keep pouring out...
i didnt know what to pray at first but words keep pouring...
when i hear her sob, i know it's not me speaking but God speaking into her...
when we finished, she gave me a hug...

i though that was all but God pointed me to Marcus...
i didnt know what to pray so i asked God for at least a hint
and the word POTENTIAL came to mind...
we all know that but God wants me to pray for him...
so, i just started praying for him...
and it went from there...
again, i didnt know what to say but God put words into my mind...
after praying, i was amazed...
i kinda forgot that i had issues...
i think God is telling me here that it doesn't matter if i had issues but if i pray sincerely, He can use me...

2 comments:

alyssaxinmae said...

jared! thank you for praying for me! (╹∪╹✿) i was really blessed by your prayer!

God bless you!!

fighting! ^ω^

Christine Lee said...

Wow! N u didnt tell me! I cried reading this!