Thursday, November 4, 2010

to be honest...(read with caution)

i've been thinking...
maybe this period of time, this very dulling depressing time
where it seems like people are letting me down, where i do a lot of stuff to try and make others happy but ended up hurt by the reluctance of some party to help or the back talking that i'm trying to get into the good books and the unappreciative behavior of others,
is actually a time where God is letting me feel what some others are feeling...
instances that broke my heart just thinking about it...
instances that i just felt like there's really no other redeeming quality left...
instances where i just HATE myself for doing things that others just dont understand...
they really get to me like a thorn in my skin...
and they left me wounded for days resulting to a quieter than usual self of mine...

such instances if i must share would be...
when it come to the so-called CF that we tried to make
we had our first meeting...
everyone was like "it was awesome", "maybe we should do more", "we should have started earlier"
but then, we never had another meeting since then...
this was due to absents and disapproval of parents to stay back...
i was to be honest, saddened by this...
if your parents dont approve, its fine...
but if you're absent, COME ON!
do you know how tired and lazy i was but i still lift my butt and come to school just so that we could meet, to actually pray for this dying land and here we are, some just too lazy to come...
is sleeping more important than the fact that the end times is near, that people are actually dying without Christ?
*ok calm down...
i think God is actually trying to show me what broke His heart...
that His people would rather be complacent, be happy in their own comfort than to actually start going on their knees, CRYING for the land....
and I think He did accomplish His goal, to break my heart for what broke His...
cos it broke my heart to see the CF gone just like that, just after one meeting...

and the other was (if you read my tweet) the feeling of being unappreciated...
i know that in whatever we do, we should not take the glory to ourselves...
i'm not trying to take the glory and the name, i just want people to at least appreciate me more...
i've been feeling unappreciated lately...
be it friends in school or family members (though i can sometimes feel appreciated)
my friends kinda treat me like their driver already...
going here, going there...
and when they talk about going for trips that they dont need transport, they actually talked beside me where i could hear them but they never asked for me to join them....
yea yea... i'm supposed to make the move to join them but knowing me, i dont like to jump into the wagon uninvited...
and sometimes at home, i try to go out of my way to try and make my parents happy....
but then, when i try to ask for help, i was faced with reluctance and sour faces...
and though i should not be too sensitive, it gets on my nerves...
here i am, trying to maintain the peace at home...
and maybe, just maybe, bring some happy times...
but was face with this type of nonsense instead....
yayaya... i'm the witch, nagging to get things done, but for who? for WHO i just wanna ask...
you think i enjoy doing house chores?
no, I dont... but i would do it to make at least Mum happy...
so, why is it that you cant help me out...
when mum is happy, everyone gets happy, but when things are not done, why is it that i have to listen to all the complaints?
do you know, i have to listen to all the complaints the most...
my parents complain and nag when the other 2 arent around...
and i have to listen to all that...
and i'm affected by it...
i get hurt... yet no one knows...
everyone blames me for being a bottle but the truth is, i was forced to be this way due to circumstances...
*calm
i'm thinking that God is showing me the feelings of a mother...
work the whole day or quit a high paying job just for the family only to be faced with a load of nonsense and being unappreciated...
Mum, i'm trying my best to appreciate you more...
cos now i know how you felt...

blablabla...
sorry to pour it all out...
but no one reads my dying blog anyways, so, whatever...

2 comments:

Alyssa said...

Oh I feel for you. It's really horrible to feel like that. Don't worry, just lean on God and He will comfort you. I'll pray for you :)

If you're feeling unappreciated, I'm very sorry. I think you're a really great friend, a very talented singer, very good at LCD, etc. Continue serving God and He will bless you for it :)

Jared FIGHTING! :D

葉 大輝 said...

thanks Alyssa...
you're a great person too...