high (hi)

hi,
it's been a while
and today, i come not as a writer
but a person with emotions and no one to pour them to
i have no one
i think this post may hurt a few people, but if you want honesty, here's some of it

i've been thinking on and off about this and i've come to a realization
i don't have any friends from my days in school
and even if i do, i think i only have 1 or 2...
mind you, i THINK,
i'm not certain
and as for my friends now in university,
it's too early in the game to know

truth is,
i'm jealous of people who have friends
friends who drop by unannounced for no reason just to say hi
friends you go out of the way to cheer you up when you're down
friends who would just hang for no reason
friends who would sail the ocean for you

all my days in school,
i always had something to offer
and thus, i'm (in a way) celebrated
i guess people call me "friend" for what i can offer
and not who i am
i guess i am a "friend" with benefits
i used to excel in my studies
i know the "right" people
i own a car and can drive around

come to think of it,
someone once told me that form 6 is where you find real friends
i now highly beg to differ
it has come to my realization that i was only a driver and when my "services" were not needed,
i'm just nobody
even to this day,
they would meet up (come on, i can see it on facebook)
and i would not be invited
sometimes, i would just ask them (i tried to come across as telling it as a joke to avoid them seeing that i'm no happy with it)
and they would say that they thought i was busy and would not come
behind my mind, all i can think of is the validity of their excuse
is it that hard to even ask?
it's like common courtesy (if it's your friend)
would it be hard just to say something like
"I know your schedule is busy,  but if by any chance your schedule is freed up, would you want to join us to..."
some may say that i should take the first step and make a move
truth is, i have, countless times
and honestly, i'm sick and tired of it...
and to be honest, the times that you come, i feel that as though you're just coming for the agenda and you have nothing to do
not because you want to see me...
i mean come on!
we came, we watched a movie, we go home...
and even if we talk, we talk about the movie and not what's happening in our lives
so, tell me honestly, i'm just an acquaintance to you right?
i'm (highly) expandable and disposable...
not to mention, usable...

and here's to another group
here's something that i've not told anyone
(or only a small pinch-ful, not even a handful)
there was a time that you knew that i was definitely not happy
the time when i was dumped (for the first time even)
none of you came to me
none of you called me to see if i'm doing okay
to be honest, i felt that none of you cared
and i was the one who called to ask if any of you want to have dinner
seriously
i had to deal with it on my own
and when it was time i finally let it sink in,
no one was there for me
and months and years had passed now and i feel we're drifting apart anyways

there are times i made to effort to be "friends"
i never ask for anything in return and i do not expect anything for you
i call to hang because i just want your company
and now that i think of it,
did you ever ask me to just hang for the fun of it?
i can only recall me inviting
but i truly can't remember the last time you called me out to hang
even if it meant i can't, did you ever just call me out just to see if i could?

so now,
i ponder and question
we may hang out (almost) every night now
we may laugh our lungs out every time
we may fight, gossip and make up
but once we walk out this door
once we leave this place,
will you make an effort to keep in touch with me?

i know i would love to,
but only if you agree to as well
due to what has happened
i could only think that you will actually fret when i ask to hang
when i drop by unscheduled and ask to hang for a cup of tea,
you would probably say you're busy even though you're not
so, only with your permission (from now on) i would make the effort to keep you close

would you just drop by to say hi
because if you do, i'll be more than willing to make time and just hang?

those who know me would know this
i would sail the oceans for you,
i would walk through fire if you're distressed on the other side
but the question now is,
would you do the same for me?

cos i don't want to be a burden to you any more
but do not worry,
i'll play it like everything is okay between us
at least till we walk out these doors...