Loved and Forgiven

okay... i dont usually want to share part of my life that is too personal here but maybe, just maybe, this could actually help save a soul...
God did amazing work in my life in the last youth camp i went and i feel bad if i dont share His awesome-ness...
so, this is what happened and what He told me...
___________

i know what it's like to know with my head but not with my heart...
i know God loves me and people around me do to, but i never really want to believe it or feel it in my heart because of one tiny problem...
i dont love myself...
in fact, i hate myself a lot...
i feel i am pretentious and fake and a hypocrite...
i feel like i put on a mask everyday and when i'm alone, i do what i do...
i feel empty and a fake...
so fake that, my nice persona automatically comes out when i'm with others...
i hate myself so much that i never deemed myself good enough...
never amount to anything...
and i went on to find recognition from others...
i try so hard to be funny, to be good in everything i do and try to silently boast of what i could do just to cover up the insecurity i have in me...
i hated myself so much that i actually enjoy self-loathing and i love to wallow in sorrow...

i didnt expect much from God for this camp but i just let it be....
it was like that until, when Terry (camp speaker) had like an altar call and when he said "you think you're never good enough" i was overwhelmed...
i was like "no, God. no! don't do it" as my heart was overcame by emotions and i know for sure that God is doing the work there and then...
thought run through my head...
Uncle Chu Soon prayed for me...
i was not fighting with God, i was fighting with myself...
for some reason, i cant explain it...
when i finally stopped fighting, i think i heard God said something...
something that got me...
He said "I love you even if you dont love yourself"
and that was that....
i can't fight it anymore...
i broke down...
i know that in my head but i cant with my heart...
i dont know how...
i left it as that....

the next day, something happened during worship...
for some reason, i started feeling overwhelmed and started tearing again...
this time, God said "I love you even if you don't love Me. Do not be compelled to love Me just because I love you but learn to love me with your heart and not your head. Look out there, look to the horizon, I love you so much more than that...."
i was left speechless and i dont know what to do....
like seriously don't know what to do but to accept it without me realizing it...
i held back all this while because i'm afraid to accept love and forgiveness because i fell many times right after (story below) but i just said to God, "i will not look back and i don't care what will happen in the future, but as of now, i will love You and accept Your forgiveness and learn to love You and myself because You are in me and if i could not love myself, i can't love You. it's time to believe what i told my friends to encourage them."

that afternoon, i felt free and i worshiped God freely without holding back...
i thought God had done what he had to that morning but no...
during the altar call, Terry mentioned something about someone having an addiction to a certain lifestyle... that person had been looking for a way out, asking God to pull him out countless times and sometimes, he feels like giving up already... but God will deliver him... he might be a leader, or serving for years....
that person was me...
so, God was not done with me yet i see....
i have or rather, i prefer to put it as had (i wanna believe it's over) an addiction....
an addiction to a past i am not proud of...
an addiction to seemed normal to many...
but i dont feel comfortable sharing it now yet...
i will share when deliverance is fully complete....
and when His work is fully done in me...
Sean prayed for me....
>>>>time skip to after prayer...
after prayer, i just simply asked God that if He wants me to pray for someone, i will... just point and i'll step in faith...
first, God asked me to pray for Alyssa...
i was like God, seriously? she's pastor's daughter... for all i know, she should be praying for me... and am i having this feeling just because i understand her feelings cos it's similar to mine?
i hesitated....
that still small voice kept pushing me...
FINE! i went...
and words keep pouring out...
i didnt know what to pray at first but words keep pouring...
when i hear her sob, i know it's not me speaking but God speaking into her...
when we finished, she gave me a hug...

i though that was all but God pointed me to Marcus...
i didnt know what to pray so i asked God for at least a hint
and the word POTENTIAL came to mind...
we all know that but God wants me to pray for him...
so, i just started praying for him...
and it went from there...
again, i didnt know what to say but God put words into my mind...
after praying, i was amazed...
i kinda forgot that i had issues...
i think God is telling me here that it doesn't matter if i had issues but if i pray sincerely, He can use me...

Holidays

hey there peeps...
waddup?!
*not funny

how's the holidays been going?
1 month break and i'm almost half way through...
it's been kinda boring for me...
day in day out staring at the computer...
refreshing Facebook, Twitter and 9gag all day has been my daily routine...
occasionally, i get to download my shows and watch them but it's like only once a week for each show...
0_o

this is what i looked like these days


this week will be kinda different...
i'll be working from Monday to Friday
will be going to see Wong Fu on Saturday
and Camp will start on Sunday...
this week will be great...

then, it'll be back to faffing for another one and a half week
and i'll be back in college for the next semester...
looking forward to it...
cant stand being useless and lazy...

till then....
ala prochaine

Under the Weather

just had the urge to blog at 1am...
weird....
i know....

these days, i've been a little under the weather...
first, sore throat, then, coughing and flu...
good thing i'm recovering a lil by lil...
my sore throat is almost entirely gone...
coughing is reduced...
nose still gets blocked once in a while...

you know, medicine sucks sometimes...
but i kinda like taking my cough syrup...
BENA EXPECTORENT!!!


brings back memories of when i was in National Service camp...
this baby helps me sleep throughout the night...
you know, in camps, your friends will usually tell you that the camp is haunted and stuff...
and sometimes, you will wake up at odd hours of the night and start imagining stuff thought they're not there (or are they???)
so, i love to get the coughs in camp cos i'll get my BENA EXPECTORENT and can sleep well throughout the night till wake up call....
just to share a lil...
kbye~ (^u^)/

I'M NOT DEAD!!!! yet....

hey there peeps....

let's do that again...

HEY THERE READERS!!!! or the lack of it...

(trust me, it sounds better on video)

just so you know, i'm still pretty much alive...

in fact, so much more alive than i used to be that i no longer update you guys much...

(much apologies)

so, what to speak about today????

NO IDEA!!!

*insert your own version of the evil laugh here...

So, topic of the day, fo real!

here's the thing...

few weeks ago, anonymous (who is zis anonymous and why ish e eberywhere?) asked me on the site that shall not be named on how to dress up for a guy...

i'm not lying...

roll in screencap...

and my answer was....

dressing up smart for a man is not as simple as it seems actually… first of all, your dressing have to compliment your body size and skin color… get clothes that fit perfectly… don’t get clothes that are too big or too tight… but for the easiest yet most classy and smart looking would be a suit or you can just go with a button-up shirt (depending on situations, but the safest would be a plain white or black shirt), tie (skinny would be preferred for a more classy and fashionable look), blazer and proper jeans with dress shoes (leather or something similar)… sport shoes are too risky for smart style cos if it doesn’t fit too well, it’ll totally ruin your whole look…

i was so excited and overwhelmed that time for someone to ask me that that i might have missed out something...

so, now, i'll expound and explain more...

or rather, i'll show you some pictures of how to dress so it's easier...

letting people down

one of my greatest weakness is that, i'm afraid of letting people down till sometimes that i could destroy myself...

it was so hard for me to send a text asking if i could pull out...

anyone of you has ever felt that way?

like it so hard to let people down that you rather just sacrifice your own interests?

what made me write this little post is that

i've applied for a post as a rexco member and had recently been approved...

you see, when my friends applied, i wanted to apply too

i did not think of the responsibilities and the time i'll have to sacrifice if i got in...

when my friends got in and my text came in late, i didn't feel so good like as though i'm not good enough...

but when the text came, i was happy for a minute till i began to think of all the personal time and interest i'll have to sacrifice and i began to regret that i applied...

i've sent a text yesterday asking if i could pull out...

the exco member asked me why and i've explained (in a text)

but i havent got a reply yet...

though i know that i have the right to pull out, i find it hard to send that text yesterday cos it kills me if i had to let people down...

since at a very young age, it matters to me what people think of me (another bad habit) to the point that it's hard for me to be true to myself and express my real thoughts and feelings in order not to jeopardize my relationship with that person....

can i ever be truly happy and true to myself if i keep on thinking of what people think that it kills me to the core???

HELP!!!

-but then again, i'm very good at letting people down unintentionally...

i'm a failure to myself a lot of times...-